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Around this time of year, I always take time to reflect on the things that have transpired and I think of an overall theme. Last year presented two overall themes, Growth and Fearlessness. This year is fairly different, 2015 was full of FAILURE.
I’ve accepted this failure.
Life took so many twists and turns this year, that even towards the end, I’m still feeling the motion sickness.
I’ve failed when it comes to my sister and I’s relationship. We’re slowly, but surely rebuilding our relationship, but I still don’t trust her. I’m trying not to hold her actions of last year against her, but she slipped back in to old habits. In reality, she’s all I have. When our mother died, I could have been a ward of the state, but after a stiff cussing out from my grandmother, she stepped in and took me in. I’m forever grateful for that, but I refuse to allow myself to be a lifeboat in her sea of drama. I’m taking it day by day and I’m hopeful we can get back close again.
I’ve failed my relationship this year. Yes, We’re still together. I’m still learning about love and being in a relationship. I guess you can chalk it up to being in so many failed ones. I’m used to being back to square one, but this time, I had to realize that you have to fight for this person that you care for, that you’ve invested your time in, that you gave your heart to. I failed by allowing an outside source to intervene into our relationship, Not social media, but another woman. His friend. Now this person is not a bad person and maybe the events that have happened She did with intent to protect or warn me of the results of my boyfriend’s past. Maybe she did it with malicious intent, but what I had to learn is that you have to trust your partner. You have to have an open line of communication with each other and mistakes happen, but don’t be a fool. I refuse to let anything stop us from having a fighting chance of making this love shit work.
I’ve failed my friends. I could blame my horrible work hours, but the reality is, I haven’t picked up the phone to call. Sometimes texts go unanswered and events get automatically selected “I can’t go”. My friends would invite me to go out for drinks and I’m so content with being in the bed, eating ice cream, watching movies. It was on the day of my best friend’s wedding reception that I realized I need to be a better friend. That day was one of the best days of this year and I’m determined to make time for my true friends. We’re getting older, our family dynamics and situations are changing, why not celebrate them? Why not share them? I have to appreciate those special friends who send me “good morning beautiful” texts every other morning or with whom I have life convos eating lunch before work with. I promise to be a better friend.
I’ve failed this blog. I was so scared of the potential this blog has by comparing it to others. I’ve been told that everyone only recognizes the reward, but is blind to the struggle. I was one of those people. I was ready to give up on this blog, I’ve struggled plenty of times drunk off $12 wine with crumpled up tissues on the floor staring at the screen with the cursor on DELETE. I don’t have ads, I have 7,000-something views that took almost two years to get, my Facebook page is dry, my comments are rare. I told myself, you’re not really a blogger, hell, you’re not even a writer. You’re not on anyone’s top 20 list, you’re not writing books, you’re not hosting or attending seminars, NO ONE EVEN QUOTES YOUR SHIT, GIVE UP. It was something nagging at me and kept me from pressing delete. It became clear when another writer, whom I’ve admired and had the pleasure of meeting once, called me one of her “icons” that it became clear. I am in the midst of my diamond phase when it comes to this blog. I started this blog initially to be my voice and even when I thought I’ve lost it, I’m writing this. Praise would be nice, recognition would be a treat, but I am determined to be proud of my purpose and my talent. There’s somebody out there that reads my posts and their soul is fed. Someone is reading my work and was comforted at the fact that they’re not alone in their situation. Someone thinks I’m an Icon. It’s time for me to take this blog to the next level and I will not rest until I’ve conquered the pressure and this blog shines.
One of the biggest failures I’ve had this year is the failure of myself. 2015 was the year I dragged myself to the ground. I’ve allowed my depression to creep back into my life and not only almost cause me to lose my romantic relationship, but my friendships and my identity. I was a zombie, just going to work, coming home, crying, and doing it all over again the next day. I stopped caring about my appearance, I stopped caring because I felt low. I succumbed to the pressures of trying to keep my family a float working dozens of hours of overtime with no break. I’m the only one in the house working. I had someone feeding into my insecurities making me think my boyfriend was being unfaithful. I’ve cried so much that I ran through concealer by the week. I gained weight and had a hard time accepting being “plus sized”. I allowed my fears to get the best of me. I allowed my inner light to fade so badly that my boyfriend looked me straight in my eye and told me that he didn’t know who I was. I was a depressed, stressed, ugly duckling, Until God.
God has always been my source of salvation. One night I got on my knees a prayed so hard that my knees had dents and my eyes were red and damn near swollen shut from crying. I needed God to heal me, I wanted to be me again. He came through for me as he always does. He renewed my faith in second chances. I began to wake up and actually want to live. He’s opened my eyes to the beauty of myself and to see the beauty in others. I am still weak, I still have insecurities, but I’m changed. I’m getting stronger each day.
So yes, I’ve failed in 2015, but the beauty of a brand new year is the fact that we can start over. I know you’ve heard those “new year, new me” cliches, but there’s some truth to them. I plan to have continuous growth, understanding, and faith in the new year. I’m determined to be the best me I can be. I want healthy and strong relationships.I’m determined to experience memorable moments with my friends and make the most of my ending 20s. I want a rock solid family. I want personal success and growth with this blog, I WILL NOT FAIL YOU, I WILL NOT FAIL ME, I WILL NOT FAIL AT ALL.
2016, show me what you got.
Happy New Year.
Everyday I am in battle with the mirror.
It’s so easy for everyone to see beauty in me, but to see in myself,I am blinded.
Living in a world where the artificial is the prototype, and average needs to be doctored and sealed into perfection, it’s hard to be me.
I second guess the compliment of “you’re beautiful.”
I hide through a (sometimes) counterfeit smile, sunkissed Selfies, daily makeup.
I’m fighting to believe it all.
I want to look at my reflection fearlessly.
I want to be victorious over my everyday battle of self love.
I will win.
Why are you close to everything i’ve ever wanted?
Why do you trust me with your heart?
Why do you fight for me, why do you even want me?
Why would you fall for someone like me?
Why are you still trying to get through to me when I told you I can’t give you what you want?
Why do you give me your body so freely, I don’t respect it as I should.
Why do I know I love you, but afraid to show it?
Why would I let you fall in love with someone like me?
We do everything couples do, but you won’t give me a title.
Why won’t you let me love you? what are you afraid of?
Am I not pretty enough? Am I not sexually satisfying?
Why when I ask where we stand and what are we, you tell me nothing, you say I’m catching feelings.
Why do I feel like I’m wasting my time?
Why can’t I stay away from you?
Why do I feel like a second option to other women?
Why do I feel like a secret?
Why am I willing to give you my everything unselfishly?
**Stay tuned for part 2**
You’ve gotten so comfortable in this relationship. You’re not fearful.
We’re coasting along, I need you to get scared.
Why you ask?
Somebody out there is waiting for you to mess up.
Somebody out there thinks I’m beautiful and is dying to show me so.
Somebody out there wants to love me and make me feel wanted.
Somebody out there wants to replace you.
Somebody is urging to make love to me daily.
Somebody wants to give me everything forever.
I know you love me, but I need you to show me, I need to feel it.
Don’t lose me.
Ladies, how did we go from being Queens, to settling on being someone’s proud side chick?
How did we go from sisterhood to being each other’s competition?
When did it become OK to use our bodies for material gain, instead of a vessel to bring life into the world?
Men, what happened to fighting one on one instead of shooting?
When did it become OK to hit your woman?
When did it become ok to not be your daughter’s first love or your son’s inspiration?
When are you gonna take your place as king?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO US?
If you’re looking for a straight ride, I’m not your girl.
Whirls, twirls,and dips is what I deliver with these hips.
Thighs thick enough for a man’s grip, and warm enough for your waist or ears, choose wisely.
No shade to the skinny, but these curves are deadly, not for just any, only a designated driver.
Fluffy midsection and ass, curves ahead! Breaks necks, proceed with caution.
Not deemed “sexy” by society, but beautiful in the eyes of the beholder.
It took me 27 years to embrace, flaunt, love.
I scream out proudly, “buckle up and enjoy the ride, curves ahead!”
I woke up one day and I told myself that I wanted to be beautiful.
I wanted to honestly look in the mirror and love the person staring back.
So, I went to work. Doing small things like changing my hair, putting a little more effort into my clothes, BEAT FACE TO THE GODS.
I sincerely accept every compliment that comes my way.
I smile and laugh more because it feels good.
My confidence is slowly building up.
No longer am I the woman who is unable to understand why everyone sees beauty in her.
I am new and improved.
I can tell by your smile in this photo this life for you has just begun. You are carefree, your life is uncertain, but you believe in all the possibilities.
I am here to tell you that life didn’t turn out exactly how you predicted in those pages of your journal. B2K is gonna break up, sorry girl, you won’t marry Omarion.
You’re going to graduate college in be almost $22,000 in debt, don’t worry you’ve been paying Sallie Mae.
You’re gonna gain weight, so enjoy that small waist while you have it. You’re gonna battle with beauty. You will fight everyday to love yourself more. You will fight to accept your body and be comfortable with yourself.
You’re gonna lose your mother and grandmother shortly after, you will be diagnosed with depression and you will struggle with coping with it. You will be on anti-depressants at the age of 21, but stop using them because your relationship with God will be the strongest it’s ever been.
You’re gonna get your heart broken, a lot. You will shed lots of tears over men who couldn’t be faithful, took your kindness for weakness, or made you feel low, but you won’t ever not experience love. You will have a single life full of self-discovery and a couple of bad dates, but love will enter your life unexpectedly. He’s a good man.
You will lose friends. Some you outgrew, others for petty reasons, but you will have one loyal friend who you will see get Married, another who’s birthday is 24hrs after yours and you’ll meet amazing people and build lots of long lasting connections.
Your relationship with your sister will be strained. You will lose yourself in her drama, you will be very stressed. But you will forgive her and try to rebuild your relationship.
Enough about the bad.
You will have a beautiful niece who will be the light of your life, she’ll try you, but hey she’s a kid.
You will have that journalism degree you’ve always wanted and you won’t let your writing talent wither away, you’ll become a blogger. Your writing will introduce you to some amazing people and it will get you published and noticed by people all over the world.
I wanted to take this time to tell you that you are beautiful. I know there will be times when you feel like the ugliest person in the world or you will not feel confident due to your new size, but you’re gorgeous. Believe it and own it honey!
You’re worthy of everything you’ve prayed and worked hard for. Your prayers are not unheard. Your sacrifices will not be in vain.
I want you to dream bigger, no dream is impossible.
This guy that you will date loves you. Relationships aren’t easy. God forbid it doesn’t work out, be strong.
Believe in your talent, use it as a instrument to help someone, don’t worry about popularity or numbers.
Life is too short, enjoy everyday and be grateful.
I love you.
Engaged|| Coffee Lover|| Blessed|| God||
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