Around this time of year, I always take time to reflect on the things that have transpired and I think of an overall theme. Last year presented two overall themes, Growth and Fearlessness. This year is fairly different, 2015 was full of FAILURE.
I’ve accepted this failure.
Life took so many twists and turns this year, that even towards the end, I’m still feeling the motion sickness.
I’ve failed when it comes to my sister and I’s relationship. We’re slowly, but surely rebuilding our relationship, but I still don’t trust her. I’m trying not to hold her actions of last year against her, but she slipped back in to old habits. In reality, she’s all I have. When our mother died, I could have been a ward of the state, but after a stiff cussing out from my grandmother, she stepped in and took me in. I’m forever grateful for that, but I refuse to allow myself to be a lifeboat in her sea of drama. I’m taking it day by day and I’m hopeful we can get back close again.
I’ve failed my relationship this year. Yes, We’re still together. I’m still learning about love and being in a relationship. I guess you can chalk it up to being in so many failed ones. I’m used to being back to square one, but this time, I had to realize that you have to fight for this person that you care for, that you’ve invested your time in, that you gave your heart to. I failed by allowing an outside source to intervene into our relationship, Not social media, but another woman. His friend. Now this person is not a bad person and maybe the events that have happened She did with intent to protect or warn me of the results of my boyfriend’s past. Maybe she did it with malicious intent, but what I had to learn is that you have to trust your partner. You have to have an open line of communication with each other and mistakes happen, but don’t be a fool. I refuse to let anything stop us from having a fighting chance of making this love shit work.
I’ve failed my friends. I could blame my horrible work hours, but the reality is, I haven’t picked up the phone to call. Sometimes texts go unanswered and events get automatically selected “I can’t go”. My friends would invite me to go out for drinks and I’m so content with being in the bed, eating ice cream, watching movies. It was on the day of my best friend’s wedding reception that I realized I need to be a better friend. That day was one of the best days of this year and I’m determined to make time for my true friends. We’re getting older, our family dynamics and situations are changing, why not celebrate them? Why not share them? I have to appreciate those special friends who send me “good morning beautiful” texts every other morning or with whom I have life convos eating lunch before work with. I promise to be a better friend.
I’ve failed this blog. I was so scared of the potential this blog has by comparing it to others. I’ve been told that everyone only recognizes the reward, but is blind to the struggle. I was one of those people. I was ready to give up on this blog, I’ve struggled plenty of times drunk off $12 wine with crumpled up tissues on the floor staring at the screen with the cursor on DELETE. I don’t have ads, I have 7,000-something views that took almost two years to get, my Facebook page is dry, my comments are rare. I told myself, you’re not really a blogger, hell, you’re not even a writer. You’re not on anyone’s top 20 list, you’re not writing books, you’re not hosting or attending seminars, NO ONE EVEN QUOTES YOUR SHIT, GIVE UP. It was something nagging at me and kept me from pressing delete. It became clear when another writer, whom I’ve admired and had the pleasure of meeting once, called me one of her “icons” that it became clear. I am in the midst of my diamond phase when it comes to this blog. I started this blog initially to be my voice and even when I thought I’ve lost it, I’m writing this. Praise would be nice, recognition would be a treat, but I am determined to be proud of my purpose and my talent. There’s somebody out there that reads my posts and their soul is fed. Someone is reading my work and was comforted at the fact that they’re not alone in their situation. Someone thinks I’m an Icon. It’s time for me to take this blog to the next level and I will not rest until I’ve conquered the pressure and this blog shines.
One of the biggest failures I’ve had this year is the failure of myself. 2015 was the year I dragged myself to the ground. I’ve allowed my depression to creep back into my life and not only almost cause me to lose my romantic relationship, but my friendships and my identity. I was a zombie, just going to work, coming home, crying, and doing it all over again the next day. I stopped caring about my appearance, I stopped caring because I felt low. I succumbed to the pressures of trying to keep my family a float working dozens of hours of overtime with no break. I’m the only one in the house working. I had someone feeding into my insecurities making me think my boyfriend was being unfaithful. I’ve cried so much that I ran through concealer by the week. I gained weight and had a hard time accepting being “plus sized”. I allowed my fears to get the best of me. I allowed my inner light to fade so badly that my boyfriend looked me straight in my eye and told me that he didn’t know who I was. I was a depressed, stressed, ugly duckling, Until God.
God has always been my source of salvation. One night I got on my knees a prayed so hard that my knees had dents and my eyes were red and damn near swollen shut from crying. I needed God to heal me, I wanted to be me again. He came through for me as he always does. He renewed my faith in second chances. I began to wake up and actually want to live. He’s opened my eyes to the beauty of myself and to see the beauty in others. I am still weak, I still have insecurities, but I’m changed. I’m getting stronger each day.
So yes, I’ve failed in 2015, but the beauty of a brand new year is the fact that we can start over. I know you’ve heard those “new year, new me” cliches, but there’s some truth to them. I plan to have continuous growth, understanding, and faith in the new year. I’m determined to be the best me I can be. I want healthy and strong relationships.I’m determined to experience memorable moments with my friends and make the most of my ending 20s. I want a rock solid family. I want personal success and growth with this blog, I WILL NOT FAIL YOU, I WILL NOT FAIL ME, I WILL NOT FAIL AT ALL.
2016, show me what you got.
Happy New Year.