An Ode to My Belly

Back then, I used to love you. You were once flat with six pack abs.

Oh, how times have changed, you’re fluffier and hide behind high-waisted pants or long shirts.

You’re unattractive to the average, immature man.

You’re a waist trainers worst enemy.

But I only focus on your negatives, I never took time to appreciate you.

You house nutrition that nourishes my body.

You don’t hang over my jeans and you’re  my boyfriend’s personal pillow.

You will be the safe place for a growing child one day.

You are the holder of life and health.

Fluffy & all you’re mines.

Attention

We live busy lives.

Work, school, our families, each other.

When we have our time, it would just be us, no distractions. We kept focus on each other. I felt like you wanted me.

What happened? Because now I feel invisible.

I no longer feel like a priority in your life.

I need your attention.

I need you to kiss me, passionately, please.

Tell me I’m beautiful like you used to.

Turn off the tv and make love to me.

Let’s not become typical and predictable.

Make me feel like I’m not in this alone.

Keep my attention, before someone else does.

Life Chat: I’m finally a Daddy’s Girl

black-father-and-daughter

I don’t know who my biological father is. No, this isn’t an episode of Maury, but I hate to say that I grew up a statistic.

I was one, like many, that was a little girl who grew up in a single parent home. My sister was the fortunate of us two, her father was in her life in some shape or form, but my father denied me hours after being born and for the past 27 years I haven’t seen him, I’ve never seen him. My family has an idea of who he is, but I’ve always been content with it just being my mom and me.

Father’s Day would come and while all my classmates were making their dads cards, I made my mother one. But when I turned 6, my life took a drastic and unexpected turn, his name was Vernon.

To be honest, I didn’t like him at first. One, because I was too young to understand the concept of marriage and two, I wasn’t used to having a man around, it was always my mom who had to play both roles. He came with baggage, but also with a willingness to get help for his addiction and to do everything in his power to make sure my mother, my sister, and I was taken care of. I began calling him by his first name, then my mom gave him the nickname “poppie” for me to call him, but I never called him Dad.

It wasn’t until I went through (what I thought) was a terrible breakup at the age of 18, crying in the bathroom with my mother holding me after I had just been told by my ex-boyfriend that he wanted someone else, he walked into the bathroom and gave me a tight hug and whispered in my ear “He was a punk motherfucker anyway, my baby girl deserves someone better.” it was then, that I knew he cared and I called him Daddy.

Our relationship progressed but it wasn’t until my mother died that I realized how much I loved him. There stood a man, who took on the responsibility of two kids who were not his and kept his vows until “death do us part.” that made me admire him and I felt the need to be strong for him because he was all I had for a parental figure.

He’s been there for every graduation, I got calls on every birthday, he was there for the birth of his first grandchild.

Now, at the age of 27 I can proudly proclaim that I know how it feels to be a daddy’s girl. I’m proud of this feeling and I cherish it.

I plan to one day have him walk me down the aisle and give me away to a man who’s as close to him as I can get, I plan on on one day buying him a huge house to retire in, and to give him more grandchildren (Lord Willing).

Daddy, our journey hasn’t been easy, but I’m proud of where we are and of our growth.

I love you beyond words and even though blood separates us,my heart is yours.

Happy Father’s Day.

The White Shoes (My Story) Inspired by Wale

nike-air-force-1-low-white-microperf-2

Sometimes I walk into Footlocker, I could hear their laughter.

It was freshmen year, I was never the popular kid. 

I wore Chucks, they wore Nikes.

They would laugh, they would snicker, I spent days in the library in a corner crying.

Begged my mom for those white Nikes, rent was due, fridge was bare.

I got those fresh, White Nikes. They still laughed.

Those white shoes taught me to love myself, appreciate what I have and to work hard for the things I want.

“Say we can’t always be fly, We gon’ be good long as them sneakers white.”

No More Miss Nice Girl

I’ve got a big heart.

You see that as an opportunity to use me.

I care too much.

You see that as a chance to disrespect me.

I’m so giving that I’ll give my last.

You have no problem selfishly taking.

Today is your wake up call.

You can try to disguise your intentions with fake ass “I love yous” or try to make me believe what you’re doing is showing me that you care.

That’s  bullshit.

I will no longer rescue you, save yourself

I will no longer give to you, you must earn.

You’re on your own.

I’m done.

Not your Trap Queen

I will not hold or sell drugs for you.

Won’t hang or sleep with thugs for you.

Won’t do bids or have wedlock kids with you.

Trap queen? Not I.

Queen, yes. Your equal.

The one who will push you towards your dreams.

The one who check you when you’re wrong.

The one who’s your friend and confidante.

The one who’s a host of imperfections and that you love anyway.

I will not settle on being your trap queen, I’d rather be your wife.

Only bands I want us to have are wedding bands.

Trap queen? No. I’m your woman.

Life Chat: Dating with Depression

lone flower

“How do you know you’re depressed?”

“Girl, you ain’t depressed, sit down somewhere!”

“Don’t turn into one of those suicidal white girls.”

These are the things I heard daily when I first realized that I suffered from depression at the age of 16.

It began after my mother died. Everyday I found it hard to focus in school, the burden of life was so heavy that  I stopped eating, stopped caring about my appearance, and I lost my will to live, at the age of 18, I tried to take my own life, but God had other plans because my Nana (God rest her soul) called me before I got in the tub.

I had to continue to get up and try to face the day because I had to, but deep down inside I was battling a war of trying to decipher my emotions and put on a brave face for the world.

My battle with depression is an everyday fight, so when love came into my life, I was terrified.

I know when you see my pics or even if you see me in person, I’m smiling, I’m happy, I’m positive, energetic, and most times that’s genuine, but there are the times when I use it as a front.

I never told my current boyfriend about my depression. I really liked him and I didn’t want to turn him off with talk about the grey areas of my life, but I couldn’t hide it anymore, so I told him.

He had no clue about depression, so when I told him I was prepared to say Bon Voyage to my future baby daddy. He never budged, he tried to understand, and I’m teaching him and myself about depression.

Our relationship, like many relationships, has it’s ups and downs, but with depression, those ups and downs feel tens times bigger.

There are my down days when I don’t communicate, my mood is very somber and sad. My stress level is higher than normal and I become extra distracted.

I cry, a lot.

It’s an emotional roller coaster and luckily, this time, I’m not on this ride alone.

The good days are filled with laughter, smiles, focus, drive.

So I have a few tips to share about dating with depression.

Be honest. This person may not have a clue about depression, so don’t hide it. Address it and then make a decisions on where your relationship is going.

Communicate. One of the burdens of having depression is that you feel as if you have no one to talk to and you’re all alone. Talk to your significant other, tell him or her how you feel on the bad days and tell them how happy you are on the good days, that’s what this person should be there for.

Be patient. This person may not have a clue of what depression is or you may be stressed because you feel like this person doesn’t understand or want to be there for you. Be patient enough to allow this person try to learn and be there for you, and they should be patient enough to know that it will get there and to be strong enough to get through it with you.

Have faith. The bad times won’t last always. Both of you should have faith that the better times will be often and the God (or whomever you believe) will carry you through and make your relationship stronger.

Remember, love conquers all. This person is there for a reason, and you’re with this person for a reason. People with depression can give love and is capable of being loved, I’m living proof.

Unfold

You think you know this flower, but do you really know me? Tell me do you know that:
while you’re sleeping, I stay up and pray for you, I pray harder for you than myself.
I think your flaws are the best parts of you, that’s what I love most.
I’m scared that one day you’d leave me for a prettier flower, you constantly tell me different.
I cry when we make love, not because it’s bad, because my soul connects to you beyond my body.
We’ve battled winter, now I’m blooming in the spring. Your love helped me unfold.

The Danger of “What If”

I can’t have you and you can’t have me, but I bet you wonder about what could be.

What if, maybe you were the reason I smiled so hard my cheeks turned into roses?

What if, maybe I was the reason your heart began to beat again?

What if, maybe we could be, one, happily & faithfully?

“what if” is what we  wonder.

Maybe if I met you sooner, Maybe next lifetime.

Quickly those thoughts change as he grabs my hand and she kisses your cheek.

You tell her you love her, I tell him he’s my everything.

The Unknown…

The fear of the unknown is real.

Your mind begins to race and overplay the “what if’s”, questions arise and doubts creep into your mind.

“Does he/she really love me?”

“Am I good enough?”

“Am I attractive?”

“When will these bills stop coming in?”

“What’s next after graduation?”

“Is my writing good enough?”

“Everyone seems to be making major moves, when will my turn come?”

STOP. BREATHE.

You’re right where you should be.

Your path is different, your journey is your growth,

The unknown will always be around, be brave and face it head on.

Live your life, it’s yours.